I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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