my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
