Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
