you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I need water and some morals
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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