you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize