a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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