Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
