So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
