i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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