Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
