I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
