My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
