when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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