Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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