I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
