I want to walk on stilts...naked
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
