I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
