I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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