Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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