Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
