Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
