This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize