So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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