I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
