My nipple is on Facebook.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
