Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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