remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
