The brown eye won't let me do that either.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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