I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
