he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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