Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It was like giving head to a cactus.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize