Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
