I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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