he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
