I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Randomize
