I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
