i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
