the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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