I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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