I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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