Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
