K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
