Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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