nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
