I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
