The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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