i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
