Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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