remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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