What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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