my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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