I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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