She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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