y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
