my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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