Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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