Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
That reminds me...we need to get swords
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
